We're making awesome progress on our debt. In the last 6 months we have paid off $16,406 in credit cards/car loans and we now have only $5900 to go. On paper, it looks really good. In life- it looks kind of bleak.
I have always struggled with living my life more in the past or future than in the present. The Now. I am good at putting off short term reward for long term gain. Hubby has a harder time with this, which is one reason he is so good for me in this regard. He helps to balance me out and remind me that life IS now. In turn, I help to give him direction so that he moves towards his longer term goals. This tug of war plays out in our total money makeover all the time, as it does with most everything in our marriage.
Recently though, I have hit an emotional wall that makes me realize I need to start focusing more on the Now. To put it bluntly, I am not enjoying my life right now. I miss working and having space for intellectual pursuits in my life outside of two year old play dates and fish sticks. I feel that me being home is what's best for them and I love them to pieces. But I am coming to accept that it is not what's best for me. None the less, they don't have a lot of part-time options for women with PhDs in science fields, and I didn't like what I did much before anyways, and I will need to be retrained before I can begin a new career path. Which will only be affordable if we stick to our financial plan and cut expenses now. For now, and the next few years, I'm stuck here.
And hubby and I have been working our butts off for this money makeover. I run after our darling boys all day while he works his day job. And then by night, once the boys are tucked in, we both spend at least half the nights a week doing our side jobs, which has created the surplus for our finances. But we have almost no time for ourselves or each other. We've turned all date nights into at home affairs and cut all plans for family vacations. We don't buy clothes, or toys or really anything that's not required. We stick to the plan. And it blows.
Part of why we have felt the need to push this hard in the short term is that we have been treading water financially for years now. With every increase in funds getting eaten up by something else unplanned for, I watched my goal of going back to school slip further and further away. We were always barely making ends meet. Always "a little bit short this month but next month should be better." Looking into the near future we could already see the big raise hubby was expecting being eaten up by needing to replace the family car that is on its last leg. And we have nothing for retirement. We needed to do something Now.
So we're doing this. And the credit cards part of it is almost done. Which is awesome. But if we don't want to just replace all that work with another car loan then we need to start saving pretty aggressively for a car as well. And there are a whole ton a medical expenses that have crept up recently that I don't even want to think about factoring in to the plan yet. And yet - life is NOW. Not when we finish saving for a "new" car or finally start that retirement fund or get money pulled together for me to go back to school. But now. And Now - I am miserable.
Clearly there has to be some balance here. It does no good to live high on the hog now and just be miserable in the future instead. But it is not healthy to put off everything Now for a future that may never come either. They used to say money doesn't buy you happiness. Though they're finding that's not actually true! (
In times past, I know it has definitely made me happier to have a fun family vacation to look forward to, or a fancy night out with hubby taking in dinner, wine and a show somewhere. It made me happy when I was able to splurge on a massage or a special outing with the boys. Though these things are fleeting without knowing they are financially backed by having the longer term goals of ones life fully funded as well. Again, I recognize there must be balance. But right now the balance is clearly too far to the future game, and we need to adjust that.
In the very short term we are going to restart monthly date night outs, though nothing too fancy until the credit cards are done (only 3 more months!). Then, we'll have to decide what additional changes we can make at that point, and which ones we need to put off at least until a new car, and the increased emergency fund, and the 401K and all that have been saved for. I don't know what the right balance is here because all these things are important. But my emotional outlook is making it very clear to me that our current answer is not where it needs to be right now. I will be working on sorting that out this coming month.
PS Please, please, pretty please, do not respond to this post with a list of low cost entertainment options that I could "fix" my problem with. And no, we do not have good options with family or friends for child care swapping right now. I am aware that these options exist and we are considering them too, but we want to feel able to enjoy some of the "finer" things in life as well. This is really more about giving myself permission to enjoy than it is about the actual solution. Once I feel it's allowed, coming up with the options should be the fun part!
March 30th, 2013 at 05:02 pm 1364662934
I am amazed by the debt payoff you have completed!
March 30th, 2013 at 05:02 pm 1364662975
March 30th, 2013 at 05:38 pm 1364665082
March 30th, 2013 at 05:52 pm 1364665950
Honestly, your post seems a little bit "woe is me." It seems like you're asking for permission to spend money that you don't have for things that aren't necessary.
I 100% agree that you can't forgo everything today in search of an ideal tomorrow. But it's not like you have a lot of options. You have kids and no retirement. You have no savings for a car that needs to be replaced. These sorts of "I deserve something expensive" thoughts seem to be what has gotten you here in the first place.
So I agree that you have to have some fun even now while you are cleaning up your financial mess. But I disagree that it has to be expensive. There are LOTS of people who can't afford go out to fancy dinners with wine and a show. And one you're back on track with your savings and retirement, maybe you can be one of the ones who CAN afford it. But until then, maybe TGI Fridays is going to have to do.
I think they serve wine.
March 30th, 2013 at 06:58 pm 1364669888
P.S. Check out www.Bloggingawaydebt.com Have you read this blog? This woman has *gotten it* and changed her life 180 in a very short time. I am trying to think of the words, and I think this blog says it all (the past year or so of posts).
March 30th, 2013 at 07:44 pm 1364672645
March 30th, 2013 at 10:25 pm 1364682333
I would say, though, to celebrate (cheaply) how far you've come - about 70% of the way in 6 months is fantastic. 16K in 6 months is a blistering pace. Is there a way to slow it some, and save some money in a "now" fund while you research what the "now" will look like for you? Also, while it reads like you and your DH are a team, it also reads like DH is the "now" of team and you are "not-the-now" of the team and you rightfully resent it. Is there a way for you and DH to switch places - for him to be the "not-the-now" and for you to be the "now"?
March 31st, 2013 at 03:10 am 1364699415
Is it possible that your frustation isn't so much on the financial side of things as it is on the being cooped up with two small children all day with no outlet for adult thinking? I know that when my children were very small I could go stir-crazy. I mean, I love my kids and I wanted to stay home with them, and I knew it was best for them, but they could really just drive me crazy when they were small. So perhaps what you need is a bit of adult interaction during the day. I don't know what your options are where you live, but when my kids were small our local parks and recreation had a Mommy Coffee hour. You took your kiddos and their ride-on toys and the kids rode their little push cars or trikes while the mothers could visit. There were a couple park and rec folks who watched over the kids, but you were all in the same room. Saved my sanity. Maybe you can find something similar?
Are you allotting any kind of money for an allowance for yourself and your husband? Even if it's small, just having that money to spend on whatever you want with no questions each month, can make throwing the majority of your income at debt easier to take.
It's a long road, and it's not an easy road. It is so easy to be overwhelmed by it. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself while this is going on. And maybe one night a week, set aside for you and your husband to just be together, not working on anything else, just having an adult conversation, or watching a DVD together and snuggling on the sofa.
Honestly it seems like there is no time for just you. Like you are putting everyone and everything else first all the time. It can be very easy to start feeling like you've put yourself in a box that is too small to fit all your dreams inside. Make the box a little bigger and give yourself some space to breathe. And remember that when it comes to paying off debt, it's a journey, not a race. It's okay if sometimes you have to walk instead of run.
March 31st, 2013 at 03:46 am 1364701619
There have been a lot of helpful comments on here overall and I do need to keep in mind that these long term financial goals are important enough that they are worth some struggle and hardship now. But perhaps they can be tweaked a bit. Getting to our goals a couple months later, but increasing our enjoyment of life moderately in the process, seems like a reasonable trade-off. Just need to nail down more concretely what that means and when/how to put it into effect.